As I get older, (I’m 34…where my cane at ya’ll?) I’m realizing more and more about my self. You would imagine this would to be expected, but I’m a slow learner. I’m realising that I need to sew and create in a way that even I can’t understand. It’s a pull that I have never had with any other thing before. It keeps me up at night. Literally keeps me up. If I have an idea I will stay up late and nut it out. I feel a little grumpy if I go days without sewing and I know I am a far better mother if I’ve had a chance to sew. I know now about myself that I can be more present and in the moment with my children if I have time for myself, preferably behind the sewing machine.
This is why the past few days have been really hard. Andy has been in Sydney for work. His work doesn’t often involve travel but this particular client is based in Sydney. I know he’s working and it can be hard work at times. But I also know that his work involves eating out (think fancy restaurants owned by Matt Moran. Gah.), going to exciting events and openings and getting to do what he loves all day long. He would argue and rightly so, he is the breadwinner, he is missing out on the fun children things I get to do (and no I wouldn’t swap that for the world) and whilst travel and eating out sound glamorous he would much rather be home snuggling with me, which I do believe. But I am only human and what has had me on the edge lately is the fact that both the kids have had gastro and I have been trying to finish off a project that I had planned to complete on Sunday night and my precious Monday when the kids are in school and Kinder.
I don’t want to talk about poo, but lordy, the phrase ‘up to my eyeballs’ comes to mind. The past few days I have learnt more about bowel movements than I have EVER wanted to know. I realise I should be grateful that this is my first experience when gastro. My children are rarely sick and I completely understand that people are going through all sorts of serious illnesses with their children and for this I am truly sorry. What I’m saying is completely indulgent but in the fog of poo and sleep deprivation I need to get a few things off my chest.
At times these past few days I have felt resentful. There I said it. I felt resentful that I have been the one stuck at home with two sick children that I can’t make better (our doctor said we just have to see it through. Pun completely intended), that I have been up 2 nights straight dealing with accidents and nurofen that no-one ‘likes the taaaaaste of’ and washing. And did I mention whilst Andy was in Sydney he was able to go to the preview of my sisters new play which opens this week? Yep. But mostly I feel resentful that I haven’t had a chance to finish my project. My patchwork alphabet that will eventually be a wall chart and the basis of my new range is only only up to the letter ‘L’. And getting it to that point was achieved in the milli-seconds between when the kids where asking for hot water bottles, a different dvd, another hydrolyte icy pole and infrequent naps.
Resentment is such an awful feeling. Such a heavy, mean word. I hate feeling this way.  I love my husband and children more than ANYTHING in the world. My heart breaks seeing them sick and I know Andy is coming home early this afternoon for me and the children. The feelings of resentment will leave me and the kids will recover and I’ll get back behind my machine and I will remind myself of all the truly sick children in the world and the single parents and the people who will never have the chance to do what their heart desires because of circumstances. But for this moment, in my sleep deprived state, everything stinks. Another pun intended.

3 Responses to Wah

  1. Oh lady. That is no fun. And definitely not fair that the kids are sick like that when Andy’s away …. sending you lots of anti-gatsro vibes from here. Kellie xx PS on the upside, the letters are superb.

  2. oh no this certainly sounds like a no fun, stinky situation to be stuck in. i wish everyone better soon and things back to their normal state soon after. your new project looks amazing so far!! love the boldness and little triangle colours : ) xx

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